The Trust Factor

We welcome our guest author of the month, Marlyn Wells. From “Notations From The Heart“…..

Trust! It is, probably, by far one of the most powerful words in the English language. Yet it is, by all probability, the most misused, misguided, misrepresented and misunderstood word used today. If you look up the word “trust” in Webster’s dictionary it will read, “to believe that someone is honest or good.” We, as Americans, put “In God We Trust” on all of our currency, yet there are those who do not believe in God. So does that mean that because of the “few” disbelievers we should stop putting those words on our monies? Absolutely not!

How then is it that we seem to lack “trust” in someone because of our past experiences? It just seems to be our “nature” to do so. And , whether we want to admit it or not, we’re all guilty of it at one time or another. I know that I am. Face it, we are all human and as such we let what “someone else” has done to us in the past dictate how we handle the “present” or our “future.”

Everyone, or should I say, most everyones dream is to one day meet that “special someone”, fall in love, get married, have a family and live happily ever after. Yet, that is not always how it ends up for a lot of us. For some of us it ends up being “only a dream.” This is all because that along the way an “intruder” came into the situation and destroyed  that relationship. It may not have been from “fault” of their own or because of their willingness to become involved with someone who was already in a “relationship” they then became just as guilty as anyone else.

Personally speaking, having been married twice and divorced twice, I now find it hard to let anyone “in.” In other words, I don’t get close enough to someone to “fall in love.” So many times,, even in “casual” dating I’ve heard the words, “Oh, I’d never do that to you.” Yet, in some way or another they do just what they say they won’t do and I end up getting hurt all over again. After a while you just feel like “giving up” because you don’t care anymore whether or not you find Mr. Right or Ms. Right.

Very rarely anymore do the words “Till death do us part” seem to have any meaning to some at all. They are used ever so lightly that most of the time they seem as mere “words.” When I’ve asked young people in the past about marriage more often than not I get the response, “Well, if it doesn’t work, we’ll just get a divorce.” Trust in no longer important in relationships because in their eyes they want an easy fix or an easy way out. All too often that means divorce.

Again someone ends up being hurt all because “trust” got lost somewhere in the mix. The relationship seemed doomed from the very start. The only “real solution” I can give is we must let God have total control over our lives  allowing Him to direct our footsteps and the direction in which we should walk in life. In the Bible, Proverbs 3:5-6 (NKJV) it says: “Trust in the Lord will all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.”

Thanks, Marlyn, for such a candid and honest dialogue about trust. We look forward to Part II in which you give some real clear-cut insight to this most important topic of “trust.”

Happy Valentines Day

Wishing all our “Solo” friends a very special Valentines Day. May this be a day of celebration and connection. Celebrate the fact that you are alive, filled with purpose, and a part of something great – life. Connect with others. Don’t isolate yourself or ignore the possibilities in your life just because you’re flying solo. Living single in a double world can either be a place of pain or a place of power. The choice is yours. If there is no “valentine” in your life, do not allow self-pity entrance into your emotional treasure chest. Light the candles, buy yourself some chocolates, turn on the music and enjoy your own company. Or take another step – invite someone to lunch or dinner, go to a movie, take a walk in the park and be a source of encouragement to someone else. It might surprise you how much you enjoy their company.

Never forget you “are in a relationship.” Oh, yes, you are. If you know Christ and He has taken residence in your heart, then you are in a very vital and vibrant relationship. A couple of years ago I wrote a song that described just how I really feel about Jesus, “You are the lover of my soul. You are my healer you make me whole. You give me courage to carry on. You are the lover of my soul.” For me, that is so true. To be sure, you can count on Him. Whatever you do today and however you choose to spend your Valentine’s Day, know I applaud you and know that your singleness doesn’t have to be sad. It can be superb when you have experienced His love.  Looking forward.

 

Recently I was talking to a single who w…

Recently I was talking to a single who was sharing their frustration of “finding someone” they could trust. Because of things they had seen as a child in their parents relationship (which ultimately ended in divorce) this young “single” was having a real problem in this area. How important is trust in a relationship to you? What happens when the trust factor is broken? Do you think it can ever be regained once it has been lost? Let me know what you think about it? Looking forward……

Overcoming The “Only One” Syndrome

Years ago there was a popular song (truthfully I don’t remember who the artists were) that repeatedly said, “One is the loneliest number that’s you’ll ever do.”  There are many singles who struggle, if not openly then silently, with what I call the “only one syndrome.” Let me explain. Many years ago, when a college student in Central Florida, I decided that I wanted to go out to a nice restaurant. My mother (along with her marvelous home cooking) and dad had moved to Fort Lauderdale and I had grown tired of fast food. So I had this brilliant idea. I would save my money (It took me awhile) and then treat me, myself and I to a scrumptious meal at a fine restaurant. I did just that. I wore my finest dress, matching shoes and bag, the best faux jewelry I had along with my finest perfume (slight literary exaggeration – eau de toilette.)

Upon entering this fine eating establishment, I was met by the host who first looked to my left and then to my right and then posed a question with only two words that sounded more like a diagnosis of a terminal disease. He asked, “Only one?” Now being the quiet, timid (again a slight literary exaggeration) person that I am, my immediate response was really a bit unusual. But at the moment, it’s what came into my mind. Now please don’t laugh. O.K. Go ahead it was kind of funny. I said, “Sir, if you only knew how many are in my party you would clearly see that your establishment does not have enough chairs to seat those who are with me.” He looked to my left and then to my right again. He looked over my shoulder as though I might be slightly crazy. I continued my discourse in my most serious and somewhat spiritual tone, “God the Father is for me, Jesus is with me, the Holy Spirit is in me, the angels of the Lord are encamped about me and Goodness and Mercy are following me. So you see, sir, this restaurant just isn’t big enough for those in my party.” He stuttered when he said, “Lady, please, follow me.” This host proceeded to take me to my beautifully decorated table where I ate my most wonderful meal by candlelight. The evening was only dampened by those two simple words that were on assignment to make me feel “lesser than” or “insignificant” in the scheme of things. Did it bother me? Truthfully, yes. But I learned some life lessons that night that I continue to live by and encourage others to do so as well.

Singleness is not a disease. It is not fatal. It’s only a “lonely number” to those who don’t apply these sometimes not so simple principles to their daily lives. First, in order to overcome the “only one” syndrome you must learn to celebrate yourself. That’s right. Whether you’ve just become single or been single for years, learn to enjoy your own company. Cease the struggle with your “singleness.” It doesn’t have to be forever. Until you truly learn to celebrate yourself you can never really celebrate someone else. Light your own candles, put your favorite song on (not the sad love song – choose another one), dance to the cadence of your own music, or curl up on the sofa with a cup of hot chocolate and a good book. Whatever you do, make up your mind today, right  now, “only one” is O.K. for this season of your life and celebrate.

Secondly, work on making you a better you. Take some classes you’ve wanted to take but have been just too busy. Get out of the rut and expand your horizons. Make your mark. It’s your time now. Why wait until some other time? You’ve got what it takes. Work on those places in your life that you know already are not whole. Get rid of the excess baggage. How can we have a successful relationship with others while carrying the weight of the old baggage of what might have been, what could have been or what should have been? You can’t carry the “leftovers” of your last relationship into a new one. So take the time now to work on getting you ready for what’s just over the horizon.

Lastly (this list is not exhaustive but it’s a start), don’t settle for less than God’s best for you. Don’t date anyone who does not respect you. Period. I have often said, “If you can’t increase me, I refuse to allow you to decrease me.” In other words, always remember who God, your Creator, made you to be. For every Boaz, there is a Ruth. For every Ruth, there is a Boaz. Don’t get in such a hurry that you miss the one especially made just for you.

Odine Morse, a wonderful single missionary to Haiti who has now gone on to be the Lord, said to me many years ago, “Diane, there is something far worse than being single. It is being married to the wrong one.”  How true. You can overcome the “only one” syndrome by remembering “one” is a whole number. Pick a restaurant, go ahead and get dressed up, there’s a candlelit table waiting for you. Give it a try. Celebrate the gift you are to this world. Only one? No, the restaurant of your choice is not large enough to seat all those in your party. It may not be easy the first time but once you ever really celebrate you, you’ll find you are terrific company. Let me know how it goes.

Just checking in with my “Solo” friend…

Just checking in with my “Solo” friends? How are things going so far in 2010? I truly believe that 2010 is the “Year of Exponential Harvest.” Do you remember those seeds you have sown – be it money or ministry, prayers or patience? At the end of every seed there is always a harvest. As a matter of fact, there is a seed that changes everything. I heard it said, “I can tell you how many seeds are in an apple. But I cannot tell you how many apples there are in a seed.” That was good. To be sure, let’s enjoy the journey in 2010. It’s harvest time.

Where’s The Money?

Several years ago there was a television commercial advertising a particular hamburger food chain where an elderly woman, sandwich in hand, posed the poignant question, “Where’s the beef?” She was unashamedly implying that the competition offered a product with less beef than the other. If you’re like me when I pay for a product and I turn loose my money I want to smile when I do. I certainly want to get my money’s worth. To be sure, the present economic downturn has impacted everyone and that includes many singles. The adage “two can eat as cheaply as one” just isn’t so. When it’s time to pay the bills many people are asking, “Where’s the money.” At the end of the day for the vast majority, there seems to be too many “bills” and not enough “money.” What are some ways that we can not only survive the economic storm but thrive in spite of it?

Here are a few suggestions:

1. Don’t forget to put “first things first.”

It’s true the first determines the rest. Make sure your priorities are in order. It is important to give God the first of your day, the first of your week, the first of your month, the first of your year, the first of your paycheck, the first of your bonuses, the first of your time. The first determines the rest. When you tithe your time, your talent and your treasures there will always be a “harvest” at the end of your seed. Everything begins with a seed and there is a seed that changes everything. When you are serious about thriving and not just surviving do not fail to be a giver. Matthew 6:33 is clear when we are instructed to “Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness….” There is a promise at the end of that challenge and it is that “all these things” (whatever it is we need) will be added to us. It’s a lifetime guarantee.

2. Get out of debt.

All right. I heard what you just said. No, really, if you are in debt you need to decide today you are coming out of it. That requires taking some major steps and making a commitment to it that will not be moved my the whims of immediate gratification. I remember at one time in my life when I felt a little down I would go shopping. Now that’s not all that unusual. A lot of people do the same thing. However, I didn’t just go shopping for a dress or some chocolates. I would go for sound equipment, keyboards, etc. I was an absolute pro at saying, “Charge.” Those kinds of purchases were unsustainable on the income I was making at the time, so debt and more debt became my constant companions. Today I have an allergic reaction to that word. It is one of the most important decisions I have ever made when I made up my mind debt was not my friend and I was severing our ties. Don’t be discouraged if it takes some time. Frankly, we didn’t get in debt overnight (well, I guess some people do) and we probably won’t get out overnight. Nonetheless, it is achievable. Go for it.

3. Learn to budget.

Nobody really likes that word but actually it can be liberating. Add up your bills. Compare that to what you make? Make the proper adjustments to live within your means. Two things are important here. One, learn to economize. It won’t kill you even though you think it will. You don’t have to act like a martyr while you’re making the necessary cutbacks. You can actually budget in some “fun” things along the way. Hey, coupons can be cool. Early bird specials at restaurants of your choice are just as good. Take your lunch to work. Eat with some friends at the park during your lunch break. When you shop take a list and don’t impulse buy. Secondly, develop multiple income streams. It’s not only beneficial but it can be fun. If you’re good at art, paint or draw and then sell your work. Start an ebay business. Take that money and apply it to your debt and watch that mountain begin to turn into a molehill.

We’ll stop there for now. This is a start and I hope it will be a help. What are your thoughts about money? What are some of your suggestions for your single friends on getting out of debt and finding the money to do so? Thanks for stopping by “Solo.” Looking forward to hearing from you.

Ideal vs. Reality

The countdown from 2010 to 2011 began with the thunderous shouts of thousands upon thousands of people poised to party in Time Square.  Their eyes fixed on the magnificent glistening Waterford Crystal ball as it slowly made it’s way to it’s summit. Its single assignment was to signal the nation. When the clock struck midnight a shift took place –  from the old into the new. I was not at Time Square but I was at a church that was filled with the fire and passion of a resolute faith and revolutionary hope based on the Word of God that our future is as bright as the promises of God.

For some it was a time where they said “good-bye” to toxic relationships that tied them to mere empty promises that kept them on the road to “nowhere.” Others made a renewed commitment to “seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness” knowing the end result would be that He would add everything they needed to make them complete. God has an ideal. He has a plan. Often times the reality and the ideal don’t always line up because we make wrong choices. Too, we have ideals. We know what kind of person we are hoping and, yes, dreaming will make their cameo appearance onto the stages of our lives. Our expectations are high, as I believe they should be. But how many times have we as singles entered into a relationship with someone, sharing our dreams, opening our hearts and becoming vulnerable only to realize our ideal was not the reality?

Disappointment is something I’m quite sure we all have faced at some point or another. If we are not careful that disappointment can cause us to become skeptical, cynmical and create baggage that becomes too heavy to carry. Expectations of the other person were high but the return was low. Disappointment can cause isolationism or for some make them feel as though they must settle for less than God’s best. Listen, disappointment may be distressing but it does not have to be devastating. We’ve all been there. Base your expectations on God’s ideal but also realize that we are all a work in progress. Don’t allow your disappointments to become dead weight or cause bitterness which is not at all attractive.

As you step into 2010 look forward to not only a new year but some new opportunities. Be sensitive and open to God’s ideal for you. Don’t fear to step into the future filled with hope just because of past disappointments. Just realize we’ve all been there and survived. When God closes one door you can rest assured there is another one about to swing wide open.

What are your thoughts about this thing called ideal vs. reality? What are some residual effects of disappointment that singles often have to deal with? My single friend, why don’t we say “so long” to those past disappointments and let them be a learning experience and a stepping stone into God’s ideal for our lives?  I really want His will in my life. How about you? By the way, I believe the best is yet to come for you in 2010. Enjoy your journey.

On my way to a Christmas Eve Candlelight…

On my way to a Christmas Eve Candlelight Service and just wanted to wish all my “Solo” friends a very Merry Christmas! Look at Christmas through the eyes of a child and see the wonder of it all over again. Remember it’s Jesus birthday so by all means celebrate Him. Make sure you give Him a gift – you! Don’t allow loneliness or isolation to be a part of your day. They are just not welcome guests at your celebration. Be a blessing to someone today. From my heart to yours – Merry Christmas!

It is so great to hear from my “Solo” …

It is so great to hear from my “Solo” friends. The year 2009 with all of its opportunities and challenges is soon coming to a close and we will be stepping into a brand new season. Are you looking forward to 2010? I’d love to hear what some of your goals are for this new year and what you would like to hear about on “Solo.”

Some of you may be delighted to wave goodbye to 2009 because you have faced some adversities that seemed bigger than you could possibly handle. But may I remind you, you survived? You’re still here, which is an indication God has got some wonderful plans for you. Your test has become your testimony. The place of your pain has become the place of your power.

In just a few days we will be celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ who was born in a little town called Bethlehem more than 2000 years ago. He showed us the depth and the magnitude of His love for us when God wrapped Himself in the womb of a virgin named Mary and “became flesh.” Think about that. He gave the supreme sacrifice of Himself so that we could experience real life, real love, real joy and real peace. From my heart to yours, Merry Christmas.

Happy Thanksgiving to my “Solo” friend…

Happy Thanksgiving to my “Solo” friends. How did you spend your day? Are you enjoying the journey? Remember, God has given you a special gift of 86,400 seconds each day. Use them wisely and why not make “thanksgiving” a lifestyle – thanks-living? What are some of your thoughts about 2010? Let me hear from you… Looking forward!